I never knew what anxiety was as a child, but thinking back to my childhood, I know now that I have always had anxiety. I have always had an obsession with even numbers, for some reason they feel safe.

My first recollection of OCD (although I didn’t realise at the time) was whenever I was walking to and from school (from around the age of 13), I would constantly be looking at the ground and stepping in an even sequence where both of my feet had to cover the same number of paving (e.g. if my foot covered 2 bricks, my other foot had to do the same). If I didn’t do this, something bad was going to happen to me at school or to my family while I wasn’t there. This became so frustrating - imagine watching your every footstep, trying to not break the pattern. 

Thinking back on that now, it makes a lot of sense. Although at the time I just thought I was really weird (I probably am that too, but in a different context). I was bullied at school, I absolutely dreaded going there every morning. I struggled a lot in classes and never received any support, so for me, doing this ritual would make me think that it is shaping my day. If I did all my steps correctly, I should have a good day at school. 

I still have to perform rituals to this day, 11 years later. They pop into my head ‘do this 2 times or someone will get hurt’ and I even say to myself, this is so silly! How would that relate?! But I still do it anyway … just incase. 

However, working on my anxiety has calmed my needs to perform rituals. I also accept that it is a part of me that may or may not change in the future.

Hayley ANC